Business Plans

I know it’s been a while since I had a thought, but here is one.

What’s up with cable and satellite TV providers? I have a Direct TV account that started out at $30.00/ month that is now up to $ 80.00/month. It works great! Except when it snows thick and heavy which requires me to rope-up and climb out a 3rd story window with a 25′ long pole that I got from a Swiss Army Knife rep. It has an amazing array of easily deployable implements on the end of it – from heated brushes, to a custom carved ice scraper that I modified with the addition of a used vibrator I found at a second hand store. No pun intended.(I only require a second hand if I have indulged in far too many bacchanalian beverages).

Any how, I think I have around 600 channels. I watch about 30 of ‘em. Most of the remaining 570 I am un familiar with as far as content goes, and they don’t seem to have program names that interest me. Tons of home shopping ones, that I have never tuned into… why would I? By definition I am at home, so why would I want to buy something from myself? And of course there is C-SPAN, which, much like the stars on the show, is  an exercise in futility.It is only eclipsed by the Bass fishing ones, though in their defense, have better language articulation.

I also have about 50 channels that show the same show… “To Be Announced”. Those must be good or their wouldn’t be so many. Yet, I have never viewed one, as interesting as they sound. I suspect they are some sort  of middle of the road political vacillation program, that takes no stand. Or perhaps they are high brow Ultimate Fighting bouts whose announcer was hired away by Progressive Insurance and fell in love with “Flo”, never to return…

It seems like a waste, and not at all environmentally friendly to have so many un-used channels, clogging up satellites. Interstellar plumbers are hard to schedule. Not to mention, all these idle channels are wearing out the chain drive and hydraulics in my receiver. I cannot get just the 50 or 150 channels I want, without also having several hundred detritus channels that I would not pipe into my sisters dead cat’s urn.

I have tried to address this issue many times. It seems to be impossible to change.

As these providers are large corporations, who deal with huge corporations, who reap even bigger profits from forcing me to buy copious numbers of channels to reap huger profits from these business models, I have decided to adopt their model!

I think they call it “bundling”. I will be using “swaddling”, as it sounds cuddlier, not so industrial, and millennially correct. Here is how it works for my once and future ex-customers…

BASIC PROGRAM: 1 PR OF SOCKS will be swaddled  with:

2 PAIRS SOCKS; + 1 pr shorts

ENHANCED PROGRAM: 1 PR SOCKS will be swaddled with

2 PAIRS SOCKS; + 1 PAIR HIKING SHOES; BACKCOUNTRY STOVE

DELUXE PROGRAMING: 1 PAIR OF SOCKS; + 2 PAIRS OF SOCKS SIZE 5, AND 15; BACKCOUNTRY STOVE

BONUS FUEL CANISTER; OHIO BLUE TIP FLAME PROOF MATCHES; PLUS

UNLIMITED  ACCESS TO OFFICIAL WEATHER REPORTS FROM DONTUNASTAN!

PREMIUM PROGRAMMING: 1 PAIR OF SOCKS; + 2 PAIRS OF SIZE 6 AND 13 SOCKS; BACKCOUNTRY

STOVE AND USED FUEL CANISTER; OHIO BLUE TIP FLAME PROOF

MATCHES; UNLIMITED ACCESS TO WEATHER REPORTS FROM

PHUKEMALL IN THE PROVINCE OF TAKEIT ALL IN THE UNITED BANKING

SCREWMERITES.

PLATINUM PROGRAMING:   ALL OF THE ABOVE PLUS A MONTH OF BEAR GRYLSS SURVIVAL CONDOMS

FREE!